if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
