...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
