sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
