When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
