My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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