I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
