Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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