he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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