You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
