My Higher Power is John Stamos
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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