Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
