did you get engaged???
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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