You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
