My liver just broke up with me...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
