i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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