Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
