I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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