Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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