the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
