I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize