Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
