Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
