Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
