life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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