Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
