i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
