She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
