so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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