We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
