I think my vagina is haunted
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
