Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
