not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
