HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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