I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
