God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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