I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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