Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
