note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
