Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Do you remember whose house we're in?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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