sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
