I want to make a zoo with you.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
