I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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