I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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