Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
