Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
