Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
