I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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