So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
