I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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