The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
