i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
