wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
