you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
