I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
