Yo dont text me then not text me
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize