I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
